the dailymash

As the Scientologists were fined £500,000 for claiming eternal happiness was based on handing over a lot of money and that the human mind is engaged in a constant battle with insane aliens, Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, Hindus, Jews and Buddhists all began the search for a truly outstanding lawyer.

A Vatican spokesman said: "If every Catholic that we've lied to about virgin birth, miracles, limbo and heaven - and we're talking billions here - decides to sue us, we're going to have to sell all the artwork and quite a lot of the gold.

"We'll also have to lay-off thousands of priests. It's not good. Our guys aren't really cut out for any other line of work, unless there's a job where you do a two hour week telling people what bastards they all are and drinking a shitload of Scotch."

A spokesman for the Council of Imams said: "As things stand, the bit about the 72 virgins is looking a tad shaky.

"We're scouring the small print to see if there's some sort of get-out clause, but unfortunately there wasn't much in the way of tort law in the early Seventh Century."

And a spokesman for the Dalai Lama added: "Reincarnation was not designed to be legally robust so we may have to adapt it very slightly. For instance, rather than being reincarnated as a lizard or a pig, you may end up just being you again, but with a slightly larger nose or terribly dry elbows."

Meanwhile chief Scientologist Tom Cruise offered his support to his French colleagues, insisting: "When the insect people of Helatrobus enslave the Earth once more, who will be laughing then?

"Me, that's who, and I'll do it in a weird, unblinking way that will make you fear me."