the dailymash

Villagers were treated for ego poisoning

BBC officials say Clarkson was in Rwanda, halfway through filming a section for Top Gear – testing the new Porsche to see how many mass graves it would jump over – when he received the lethal news from one of his many friends at News International.

Director Tom Logan said: “We were just setting up a shot of him sneering at a village when he paused to read a text message on his phone. The next minute the car’s whole interior was spattered with a bright red and oily black substance.”

“We’ve managed to identify the bigger lumps and can only assume that black, oily stuff is a physical manifestation of his soul. But if this puddle of entrails and curly hair in the glove box of a sports car was a lady, it’d be…erm….well, you know the sort of thing he used to say.”

It is believed Richard Hammond is still weeping in a foetal position after the explosion, which was very much like something from the now-largely-forgotten David Cronenberg film Scanners, while James May is largely oblivious to anything outside of the 1950s.

The move to raise the speed limit is designed to help commuters get more quickly to jobs that won’t exist in six months’ time, as well as allowing them to feel a tiny bit like Lewis Hamilton for the nine seconds per week the motorways are actually empty enough to reach 80mph.

The search is now on to find a replacement for Clarkson, and with producers looking for the same mix of arrogance, contempt and a face like a trout that’s just had its greenhouse vandalized, they have already asked Pete Hitchens if he has a driving license.

Logan said “While we’re all very upset, for a given value of ‘very’, we have to get on with things. Specifically, in my case, shovelling a load of twat offal into bin bags.”