Convicts voting Tory
PRISONERS are unanimously going to vote Conservative, it has emerged.
Men with teardrops biro-tattooed on their faces pledged their support for David Cameron following news of the Strasbourg ruling on prisoner voting rights, despite the Prime Minister opposing the decision.
Convicted drug dealer Nathan Muir said: “The Conservative party’s policies, including open tolerance of tax evasion and a massive reduction in police numbers, are a big hit with the average man slopping out on Cell Block D.
“Border controls that are completely shagged, fewer filth on the streets, GPs’ drug supplies in the hands of lax private contractors… what’s not to like?
“They’re tough on recreational drug use, which does us a big favour in keeping prices high, and mass unemployment gives us a ready supply of street dealers and meth chefs.
“The Tories understand the needs of the small businessman struggling with the realities of running a citywide cocaine distribution network. That’s why they’ve got my vote.”
Murderer Stephen Malley said: “I like how David Cameron gives Ed Balls the death stare. You can tell he’d love to see Balls locked in the boot of a car being pushed into a lake and I respect that.”
HMP Belmarsh Governor Norman Steele said: “Its hardly surprising, since the boys in here hate paedophiles, homosexuals and foreigners and believe in grabbing as much cash as they can and bugger everyone else.
“Plus a few of the older lags remember what perfect gentlemen Jonathan Aitken and Lord Archer were, all helpful and clever like Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption.
“The only exceptions are the Category A prisoners in maximum security. They’re a right bunch of fucking headcases, so they’re solidly behind UKIP.”