Duncan Smith Backs Retirement Brothels
BRITISH workers face spending their twilight years in peaceful, neon-lit retirement brothels.
'Just leave the money next to my teeth'
Work and pensions secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, believes some form of compulsory prostitution for the aged offers the most effective solution to the country’s soaring care costs.
He said: “We’re living longer and saving less so many of us will have to spend our retirement gripping a stranger’s angry member, instead of a golf club.
“Over the coming decades, care homes will increasingly be run by chain-smoking madams called things like ‘Australian Suze’, who permit residents to offset their living costs against revenue generated from providing sexual gratification to greasy social misfits with niche tastes.
“Instead of vaguely bucolic-sounding names such as ‘Songbird Dale’, retirement homes will be called things like ‘The Mustang Lounge’ or ‘Vintage Vixens’.”
He added: “While this may seem a tad bleak, can anyone honestly say it is any more depressing than the current set-up?
“At least the elderly would have regular visits from people who are genuinely glad to see them, while affluent clients could reward them with high-quality chocolate biscuits.”
Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “My mum is 82 and I’m terrified that if she has to go into a home it’ll clear me out. So I’ve replaced all her bulbs with red ones in the hope of generating some passing trade.
“Business has not be great, thus far. If only she had Felicity Kendal’s bone structure.”
