PRIVATE skank academies are under pressure to admit more budding
footballer semen receptacles from low-income families.
Latest figures show almost 50% of girls spit-roasted by high-fiving sportsmen in mid-price hotels in the last year have attended a specialist, fee-paying slut academy, such as £6,000-a-term St Agatha’s in Guildford.
St Agatha’s, whose motto is Latin for ‘orange and dirty’, teaches a broad curriculum, including threesomology and how to arrange a floral display with a mouth full of happily married wing-back.
But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the The Institute for Studies, warned the rise of private skank education was creating a ‘two-tier’ system of vacuous,
bow-legged tarts.
He said: “The girls from the top schools are getting all the premier league
footballers, while those without formal training are restricted to
lower-status players, spiky-haired local radio DJs and Beppe from Eastenders.
“They’d consider themselves lucky to fellate Dean Gafney behind a skip.
“Skankosity, once the preserve of the untermenschen, is being increasingly co-opted by the middle class. A bit like
caravan holidays and having an allotment.”
Would-be skank Nikki Hollis said her state school education has
left her excluded from the upper echelons of slutting.
“I think we had one lesson where we watched a video of toads mating and
got a leaflet about gonorrhea. How’s that going to help me lure the
cream of Britain’s sporting and musical talent to the Stoke Holiday Inn
Express? Just because my family aren’t rich, it doesn’t mean I can’t
have dreams.”
She added: “But I’d do anything to achieve this. And when I say
anything, I mean utter filth.”
