Employers Braced For Tired, Angry Drunks
WORKPLACES across England are bracing themselves for the impact of thousands of red-eyed, half-pissed psychopaths, when the Ashes begins later this week.
Don't make the classic mistake of thinking you won't be stapled to something
Experts have warned that the late night, alcohol-fuelled humiliation will make English offices the worst places in the world until early February.
Roy Hobbs, a poor, undeserving bastard from Stevenage, said: “Anyone who looks at me until I’ve had my head on my desk for three hours will get either their cock or their tits stapled to the photocopier.”
Hobbs and his doomed, wretched friends have already created a cocktail called The Fuck’s Sake, designed to keep them awake throughout the tests, made from vodka, Pro Plus and coffee flavoured schnapps.
Meanwhile Sky Sports will also help viewers to stay awake by peppering ad breaks with footage of screaming children and tiny snippets of eye-watering pornography.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The effects of sleep deprivation and that horrible stage where you’re no longer drunk but not yet properly hungover are well documented thanks to our work with GPs and Church of England bishops.
“But it becomes especially precarious when you combine it with televised foreign sunshine, unbearable Australian accents and the brutal sodomising of English cricket.”
Roy Hobbs added: “If nobody could speak to me for two months I’d appreciate the fuck out of it.”
