Everyone Making Everything Worse, All The Time
EVERYONE needs to shut it right now because they are making everything worse, according to a new report.
With experts stressing the previous paragraph will not have helped in the slightest, everyone was asked to button it for the rest of the week before we all talk ourselves into a urine soaked cardboard box.
Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "If I was to string together four random letters such as H, B, O and S and then repeat them several times with increasing alarm, a bit like this – HBOS, HBOS! HBOS!! HBOS!!!! the share price of something called 'HBOS' will drop by around 40%.
"I have no idea what 'HBOS' is but I have a very strong suspicion that I have just made everything substantially worse.
"Similarly, when the BBC carries a newsflash about the market dipping below 5000 for the first time in three years and then talks about it for 20 minutes as if the Duchess of Kent has just exploded, that has the effect of making everything much worse, even though no-one can remember filling their underpants with dung just three short years ago."
He added: "Again, if I was the chancellor of the exchequer and I suspected Britain could be facing its worst economic crisis in 60 years, the absolute last thing I would do is actually say that, because – strangely enough – that would just make everything much worse.
"Meanwhile, whenever a cabinet minister says Gordon Brown is the 'best person to lead the country', everyone's immediate reaction is to say, 'that's obviously not the case'. This is a textbook example of making everything much, much worse.
"Instead the minister should say, 'yes, he's an absolute fucking tool, but for Christ's sake so am I'.
"This causes a profound shift in perceptions from 'getting worse' to 'can't get any worse'. I call it Brubaker's Theory of Optimal Shitness."