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HOUSES across Britain will be fucked beyond repair this weekend as millions embark on their own horrendously ill-condsidered DIY extension.
 Remember: Fucking up your house should be fun!
More than half are expected to fatally undermine their home's structural integrity by knocking down a supporting wall and attaching a third-rate conservatory held together with bulldog clips.
The remainder will build something so ugly and hazardous their neighbours will dismember them with a chainsaw and bury the bits under a professionally installed patio.
Meanwhile Wickes, B&Q and Homebase are bracing themselves for an invasion of retards early tomorrow morning, most of whom are unlikely to survive the weekend.
Wayne Hayes, a taxi driver from Harlesden, said: "These Edwardian terraces are lovely but they can, of course, be improved with the addition of some Norman-style turreting.
"As I've always said - why waste money on foundations when you have the magic combination of tile adhesive, pine cladding and half a dozen decking screws?" Nikki Hollis, a senior A&E nurse, said Hayes was a dangerous lunatic and forecast over 30 million casualties between now and Sunday evening.
She said: "We've already had one women in with her husband's decapitated corpse and the head in a bag of ice, asking if there's anything we can do."
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