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AN evil mastermind has offered £2 million for the missing memory stick containing the details of thousands of Britain's finest criminals.
 Professor Octagon must have that stick
Octagon, previously known as 'Jimmy Eight-Sides', said: "With this memory stick of scum I shall assemble an army of villainy the likes of which the world has never seen! Aha ha ha ha ha!
"You see, what I'd do is organise it into different categories. So you'd have separate databases for burglars and counterfeiters, one for violent maniacs and maybe one for 'all-rounders'. That sort of thing. "I'd then cross-reference based on age, experience and current hiding place. We could also include a photograph and any relevant web links.
"So let's say you're planning to rob an art gallery in Bristol but your number one choice is based in London and doesn't like to work outside the M25.
"You'd go into the database and find a local guy with the right experience at the right price. It's a bit like confused.com for evil masterminds."
He added: "You can also add details such as favourite food, number one holiday destination, most embarrassing moment etc. And it's really easy, you can do it all on Microsoft Excel.
"But first, I must have that stick, and I will stop at nothing, nothing I tell you! Aha ha ha ha ha!"
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