Fat People To Sue Their Own Sofas

FAT people across Britain are to launch a class-action legal case against their own sofas, it emerged last night.

Lawyers representing more than 80,000 of the UK’s widest men and women claim the sofas used physical force and psychological tricks in a bid to make their owners sit down all day and not get a job.

Solicitor Julian Cook, who is representing almost 900 tonnes of humanity, said: “Whenever my clients talked about going for an interview or even just a short walk they would be shouted down and told they were worthless before being bullied into eating a nice, big slice of something lovely.”

He added: “After particularly heated rows the sofas would often try to buy the affection of their owners with some large, hooped ear-rings or a tattoo.”

Nikki Hollis, from Grantham, went from nine stone to 26 stone in less than a month after inviting a new sofa into her home.

She said: “We had some happy times together – the birth of my son N-Dub, series two of Britain’s Most Haunted and the day the freezers broke in Iceland and they were handing out chicken drumshapes for 10p a bag.

“But over the years I noticed that it was becoming harder and harder to get up until it got to the point where I couldn’t even get to the toilet. Don’t look in that bag.”

She added: “And now I’m so big I have to wash my chuff with a tea towel on a curtain rod. Can I have some money?”

But Bill McKay, a lawyer representing a three seater from Doncaster, said: “My client is guilty of nothing more than being himself. He offered comfort, security and love. And look at him now. He’s all fucked up in the middle.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Brown To Be Turned Into Glue

PRIME minister Gordon Brown is to be turned into glue, it
emerged last night.

Guardian editor Peter Mandelson admitted Mr Brown was now a tired old workhorse who should be despatched humanely with a bolt to the temple before being boiled in a large vat full of acid.

He said: “Britain, in its enduring wisdom, has rejected this faithful old servant with his faltering knees and increasingly windy guts.

“Their heads have instead been turned by two shimmering stallions, their haunches rippling, their forelocks tossing and who, at any moment, could rise up on those powerful and magnificent hind legs and take what is rightfully theirs.”

Catching his breath, he added: “If I know Gordon Brown he will want to continue to serve Britain in some capacity and what better way to do that, in this age of envelopes and broken tea cups, than as a batch of medium-strength adhesive?

“And, who knows, later this year you may even find yourself licking what remains of Gordon Brown on the back of a special stamp commemorating his wildly successful two years and 11 months in Downing Street.

“But for the time being I have asked Ed Miliband and Andy Burnham to take turns stroking the prime minister’s neck and feeding him carrots until the big truck gets here.”

Meanwhile Lib Dem sensation Nick Clegg has insisted it would be ‘preposterous’ if the next prime minister came from the party which comes third but has the largest number seats, stressing it should obviously be the party which comes second and has the smallest number of seats.

Next story ›