First-Time Buyers Still Pathetic
YOUNG would-be homebuyers are still clinging to their nauseatingly rose-tinted hopes and dreams, it was claimed last night.
Let's just hope their lives keep getting worse
According to the Institute for Studies, patheticness among prospective first-time buyers rose 34% in the first quarter of 2010, with many still failing to comprehend why the world is such a cold, hard, awful place.
Nikki Hollis, a 28-year-old teacher, said: “My boyfriend and I work hard, dress tastefully and recently bandaged the wing of an injured jackdaw.
She added:”Why then can we not afford a two-bed semi in Surbiton? I’m not sure I want to live in a country where it’s difficult to get things.”
Tom Logan, the boyfriend, said: “On our combined salaries, the only way we could ever afford a place is if we start buying cheap wine and the supermarket own brand, pre-sliced bread that gives you cancer. It’s a death sentence.
“The Guardian came round to take photos of us standing by a For Sale sign in the rain, looking forlorn. But still no one wanted to give us a house – well, there was one but it was in Zone 3 which is just not practical.
“Unless something is done soon I’m going to have to perform a piece of expressive dance called ‘Stuck in the Property Birth Canal’ to articulate my feelings of frustration.”
Property expert Stephen Malley said: “Large deposits, rising prices and wage freezes mean that many young people are struggling to take that first step onto the property ladder.
“As if anyone gives a fuck.”
