‘Foodies’ congratulate themselves on ability to eat

THOUSANDS are self-styled ‘foodies’ are trumpeting their ability to orally process nutrients, it has emerged.

Do you truly appreciate this chicken?

As Britain’s food fetishism reaches fever pitch, many humans have begun describing themselves as ‘foodies’ in order to highlight their unique capacity for ingesting things and then pooing them out.

Foodie Tom Logan said: “Not only do I eat food with my mouth, I eat food that tastes nice. That’s right, I’m not one of those people who likes unpleasant-tasting things like chalk and toads.

“I also like to ‘whip up the odd gastro treat’ in the kitchen. But not in a gay way.

“I cook in a strictly hetero, borderline passive aggressive way where I make a huge mess and guess the quantities of ingredients. Women love what I cook, then I get to fuck them.”

56-year-old fellow foodie Joseph Turner said: “In my youth I was a punk, but now I’ve completed my transition into everything I once hated I still need a sense of cultural identity so foodie is it.

“Anyone who doesn’t like it can lick my spoon. No seriously, it’s got some delicious jus on it.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “As herd animals, humans are constantly looking for new, increasingly ridiculous labels to set themselves apart from their fellow bovines.

“I predict that 2014 will see the birth of the ‘water-ie’, that rare person who appreciates hydration.”