HAVING free sex with your wife is now slightly better value than Pizza Hut, according to a new survey.

12% are having sex with the pizza

However, 24% said the £5.99 'all you can eat' midweek buffet was still a good deal compared to five minutes of sweaty, grudging tedium.

Tom Logan, married to Jill for 13 years, said: "We've had to cut back to Freeview, which means we've lost Sky 1 and the Richard and Judy Channel.

"So at least two nights a week you're forced to choose between just sitting on a chair and staring at the wall or going upstairs and doing the deed."

He added: "And it's not really free either. Tesco value condoms are 38p a pop, but at least you can economise by rinsing them under the tap or turning them inside out.

"The sex is your basic, entry level humping. If I want anything special I have to save up my dole money and buy her some ice cream."

1. Sex with wife (-)
2. Pizza Hut (1)
3. Chasing gypsies round the town square (2)
4. Vodka-fuelled amateur surgery (-)
5. Dressing up the dog and acting out scenes from Return of the Jedi (4)

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