Government Orders Everyone To Move House
EVERYONE in Britain has been given three weeks to move house and then redo the bathroom as part of the government's plan to boost the ailing economy.
Treasury officials believe there will be a beneficial 'knock-on effect' of the mass house move involving removal firms, trips to B&Q and £90-an-hour plumbers making questionable remarks in front of your wife.
Chancellor Alistair Darling said: "It is now more than 20 years since moving house replaced coal mining as this country's chief economic activity.
"It is now so important to our economic well-being that if no-one moves house, everything turns to shit within seconds.
"So rather than do something pointless and irrelevant like suspending stamp duty, it's really much easier if we just force you all to move."
Mr Darling said he did not care where people moved to but warned that anyone who had not changed address by the end of August would be forcibly relocated by the fire brigade.
"The firemen will drag you from your beds before giving you an ample supply of boxes and then standing over you to make sure you wrap your crockery in bubbly stuff."
He added: "Then it's off to B&Q where the Madrid three-piece bathroom suite is just £279, including a mixer tap.
"And if you are going to redo the floor, use natural slate. And don't get brightly coloured tiles – use either plain white or subtle earth tones. Look, just do it – alright?"