GOVERNMENT RELEASES DANISH CRIME FIGURES

MINISTERS were yesterday forced to withdraw a new report which showed crime falling across the country, after realising it was Danish.

Herring theft's up again.

The Home Office said 'administrative confusion' had caused home secretary Jacqui Smith to walk off with Denmark's figures by mistake at a 'big European crime thing' last month.

A Home Office spokesman said: "So I'm looking at it and I'm thinking 'vandalism down, robbery down, violence down - that doesn't sound like Britain'.

"Then I noticed the section on herring theft and I thought 'hang on, this is Denmark'.

"I said to Jeff, I said, 'Jeff, someone's only gone and released the Danish crime figures' and he said it was just like when he worked over at health when they'd chuck in some French stuff to make it less grim."

He added: "On reflection, I suppose I should have guessed from the title, 'Crime: A Smørgasbørd of Statistics'.

"Sure enough, it had figures for raping and pillaging, king poisoning, pig theft and frauds committed while using impeccable English.

"Did you know that raping and pillaging is down 22% in Jutland alone, while they haven't had a case of king poisoning at Elsinore since 1956?"

The spokesman said: "Having read the report I do like the sound of Denmark, although I presume their crime figures are complete bullshit too."

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