the dailymash

Hospital Cleaners Help Kill Off Greedy Pensioners

HOSPITAL cleaners create £10 of value for every £1 they are paid because they help kill off thousands of people who would otherwise be claiming a state pension, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that an average hospital cleaner on £15,000 a year can leave enough bacteria-ridden plastic cups lying around to save the taxpayer £150,000 in benefits to frail old ladies with vulnerable immune systems.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "In a very short space of time a hospital cleaner can generate huge quantities of highly valuable death.

"Investment bankers, on the other hand, live for years after they retire, often in foreign countries where they use up precious local reserves of cheese and brandy."

Martin Bishop, who runs a Porsche dealership in Mayfair, said: "Bankers are useless, though it has to be said that every time I sell a penis substitute to one of these fucknuts it does generate a profit of about twenty thousand quid.

"I then use that to pay people who pay taxes which are then used to pay hospital cleaners to continue with their patriotic acts of genocide."

He added: "Tell you what, the next time a hospital cleaner walks through the door and orders a 911 Carrera, I'll give you a buzz. Then again there's always the chance you'll miss my call because you'll have been dead for 200 years and so will I."

The study examined the economic and social benefit of a range of occupations including:

Investment bankers
Aside from the last 18 months, have been running outrageously successful companies which have generated billions of pounds in corporation tax and will do so again. Still dicks though.

Hospital cleaners
In an example of far-sighted economic planning, are paid very little money to do an unbelievably important job resulting in billions of pounds in unpaid benefits and obscene profits at Co-operative Funeral Care.

Waste recycling workers
Fat, greasy men with no O-levels. For every £1 they are paid they generate another £12 by waiting until you've gone and then stealing your old fridge.

Tax accountants
Best. People. Ever. But where's their parade?

Advertising executives
For every £1 they are paid they defile everything that is good. Unmitigated bastards who should be bulldozed into the sea.