I shaved my sodding legs for this, says woman on date with twat

A WOMAN is furious about the time she spent shaving her legs in preparation for a dreadful date with a twat, it has emerged.

Nikki Hollis arranged to meet Tom Logan after a series of promising conversations on Tinder, but after 10 minutes in his company realised he was an appalling bastard with the intellect of a guppy.

Hollis said: “I wasted half an hour getting ready for this when I could have been lying on my sofa watching RuPaul’s Drag Race.”

She also revealed that the Spanx she had donned for the evening were ‘alarmingly painful’ and that she ran to the toilet to remove them at the earliest opportunity.

Logan, meanwhile, was less concerned about the failed shot at romance, having prepared for the date by taking a swig of mouthwash and putting on some slightly cleaner socks.

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Man about to be shafted by Tories somehow worried about Marxism

A MAN who is likely to suffer under a Tory government is deeply concerned about Labour politicians being Marxist.

Roy Hobbs was alarmed by media claims that Labour is a ‘hotbed of Marxism’, despite there being actual Tory policies that will screw him over in real life.

Hobbs said: “I know things keep getting more expensive and my daughter has to pay crippling tuition fees, but I’m seriously worried about a Marxist revolution.

“With all these Brexit problems and the NHS in crisis the last thing we need is the working class all getting into Das Kapital and seizing the means of production by force.”

He added: “As a family we’ve noticed it’s getting harder to make ends meet, but finding an affordable care home for my wife’s mother is a doddle compared to working on a collective farm.”

Daughter Lauren Hobbs said: “Dad doesn’t seem to realise the chances of him waiting ages for a vital operation are somewhat higher than being put in a gulag.”