‘I’m shocked, shocked to find that tax avoidance is going on in here!’

CAPTAIN George Osborne has ordered the closure of Rick’s Tax Avoidance Cafe Americain.

The beginning of a beautiful friendship with money

The chief of the local gendarmerie said he was ‘appalled to discover that the cafe was a secret den of loopholes where undesirables can exchange tips about offsetting buy-to-let mortgages’.

The cafe, run by mysterious American Rick Blaine, is a popular meeting place for high net worth individuals seeking to escape tax and start a new and better life under a Cayman Islands registered holding company named after their wife’s tiny dog.

Blaine’s background is unknown, with some claiming he was a gun runner for the republicans during the Spanish civil war, while others insist he has been the chief executive of Barclays Bank for the last 14 months.

Captain Osborne said: “Oh, he’s just like any other man, only more so.

“Rick is the kind of man that… well, if I were a woman, I should be in love with Bob… I mean Rick.”

But he stressed that it was his solemn duty to weed-out corruption right up until the point where it was no longer in his interest to do so.

Captain Osborne has built a formidable reputation in Casablanca and is known for his colourful catchphrases including, “round up the usual suspects”, “we’re all in this together” and “what on earth is a ‘cheese and onion slice’?”.

Meanwhile, critics insist the police chief is a frequent guest at Rick’s and also arranges tax cuts for millionaires in exchange for afternoon sex sessions in his office.

And earlier this year he was accused of a ‘gaffe’ after saying he could not decide whether legislation to close tax loopholes had committed suicide or died trying to escape.