Internet Porn Safety Lessons To Replace Maths

08-12-09

MATHS will finally be dropped from the school curriculum so that children can be taught the safest way to find pornography on the internet.

The first child to find a Shanghai two-stroke wins a Tufty mug

Ministers say the online pornography lessons will include an updated version of the 'green cross code' though officials stressed it will focus on orgasms instead of not crossing between parked cars.

The new code will urge the under 12s to: 'STOP' feeling guilty and unclean, 'LOOK' for a disclaimer stating that all participants are over 18, and 'LISTEN' for the thrilling sound of two - or three - healthy young adults reaching an eye-boggling climax.

The scheme will also see the return of the Tufty Club, but instead of showing children how to cross the road safely the friendly squirrel will teach them how to complete all six stages of a reverse Dutch steamboat without breaking their collar bone.

The move is the latest stage in the government's plan to dismantle the traditional curriculum and replace it with a programme of '21st century skills' to ensure British workers will faithfully obey the commands of their ruthless Chinese gangmasters.

Geography has already been replaced with six hours a week of sexual hygiene, including practical lessons on the importance of trimming your fingernails before engaging in elaborate fistwork.

Meanwhile history and science will be phased out to make way for a weekly three-hour lecture about why Christmas is a propaganda tool for the fascist white oligarchy.

A typical primary school day in England now consists of:

9am: Renunciation of Christ

9.30: Genital drawing class

11.30: Quiet piercing time

12.30: Chips and skunk

2pm: Reading out-loud from both volumes of Great British Homosexuals

2.30pm: Dirty words

3pm: Simulated felching (with juice)

3.30pm: Home to the racist parents who want to shackle your free spirit with the totalitarian chains of English and arithmetic.