Invisibility Cloak Promises New Era In Frottage

THE invention of an invisibility cloak was last night welcomed by those perverts who rub up against you on the train until they go off.

Another damp thigh mystery

Wayne Hayes, from Middlesex, said the cloak would allow him to frott on a daily basis, without having to go back on the register.

He added: "I like to press up against people until I mess myself. That's what I do. And yes, sometimes there is seepage but I always offer to pay for the dry cleaning."

Hayes said the cloak should cover his head while still allowing him to see out, otherwise commuters may be alarmed by the disembodied face getting on the tube.

"Ideally something that zips up beyond my chin, but still leaves a small hole. What I really need is an invisibility parka."

Professor Henry Brubaker, the cloak's inventor, said: "At the moment it only works at the microscopic level, which basically means we've taken something very, very, very tiny and made it almost impossible to see.

"The practical applications are therefore limitless. We'll start by making ants' feet invisible, so in a few years, if you see an ant that appears to be hovering, chances are he's wearing a pair of our tiny invisibility clogs.

"After that we'll build up to cows, Fern Britton, cathedrals and eventually the Earth itself, thus making us immune from alien attack, unless of course they have an invisibilty cloak detector, which they probably will."