John Barnes Crowned God Of 'Nuts'
FORMER England striker John Barnes has been accorded the status ‘God of Nuts‘ after missing his son’s birth to do a football thing.
Obviously better than Jesus
Readers of Nuts magazine will place their right hand on a picture of Keeley Hazell’s breasts, their left hand on a picture of a man with a harpoon in his cheek, and pledge to worship and serve the ex-Liverpool player, who will henceforth be known as The Grand Mate.
A spokesman said: “We’re planning to construct a whole mythology around The Grand Mate. A bit like Scientology but with big, soapy boobs.
“Everyone knows there’s no future in print media, so the plan is to switch Nuts over to a more religion-based business model.
“It’ll be something about how Barnes is the last survivor of a lost land where all the birds were well up for it and the rivers flow with a heavily-marketed lager. He was trapped in a volcano for centuries, but now he’s been freed to save us from uppity women and complexity.”
Chain pubs in city centre leisure developments will be given over at weekends to the Nuts Church of the Grand Mate, where worshippers will honour giant statues of Barnes with cheesy snacks and drawings of Megan Fox that they did at home.
Nuts reader, Martin Bishop, said: “Barnsey’s the fuckin’ chief isn’t he? He’s got some bird up the spout and she’s bleating on like ‘I’m having a kid, oo it hurts’ and he’s like, ‘Sorry love, the football’s on’.
“Top geezer.”
He added: “Geezer is the correct terminology, isn’t it? Sorry I’m actually a solicitor and I sometimes fleetingly lose confidence in my sub-Danny Dyer alter ego.”
