‘Killer clowns’ either complex sociological phenomenon or just twats

THE ‘killer clown’ craze is either the result of complicated sociological factors or just twats arsing about, it has been claimed.

As reports of menacing clowns continue, some academics claimed the trend was a sign of wider social problems triggering the subversion of clown archetypes while others described it as ‘wankers’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “There have been numerous clown sightings in Gloucester. In my professional opinion that’s because there is absolutely fuck all to do there.

“I think they have a farmer’s market once a week and the odd Blues Brothers tribute night but that’s about it. All it takes is for a few bored knobheads to discover the ‘party shop’ and you have yourself a media phenomenon.”

Student Martin Bishop said: “Yesterday I dressed up as Pennywise from It and jumped out on a lone pedestrian but he failed to appreciate the pop culture reference and battered me.

“You’d never think it but acting like a dangerous lunatic around potentially hard strangers can backfire.”

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Dogs 'surprisingly self-obsessed'

DOGS have pathetically self-indulgent emotions just like humans, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that thousands of years of domestication by man have caused dogs to obsess over vague and trivial emotional problems.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Previously we believed that dogs’ barking and howling had some worthwhile purpose, such as warning against intruders. Our analysis suggests they may be simply telling each other about non-problems such as how a local terrier seemed a bit stand-offish.

“In one case, a chocolate labrador complained for several hours about his owner replacing his filthy old red collar with a new blue one, which he believed was ‘not really him’.

“Similarly, there was a labrador whose comfortable routine included being fed at the table, but moaned about not knowing ‘where his life was going’.”

German shepherd Tom Logan said: “There’s a really nice collie I see whenever our owners stop for a chat during our walks, and I thought we were really bonding.

“Then last Tuesday she completely blanked me and just kept barking at a squirrel. I mean, where do I stand here? Is this relationship going anywhere? Have I misread the situation?”

At this point Logan was dragged away by his owner and told to do a shit.

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