Little shits generously putting on free firework displays

LITTLE SHITS in your area will be hosting free public fireworks displays this week, they have confirmed.

In keeping with the annual tradition, pubescent dickheads will be delighting the local area with nightly celebrations involved anything that goes off with a very loud bang.

13-year-old rascal Wayne Hayes said: “We like to do our bit for community cohesion – so I’m going to be firing rockets at my mates and into random gardens every night this week.

“It really warms our spirits to see people working together, talking about whether to come over and have a word with us or call the police.”

He added: “And let’s be honest, it’s pretty funny. Lee actually wet himself when he almost lost an earlobe to that Catherine Wheel last year.”

Locals are already feeling the bonding effects of the boys’ efforts, exchanging anguished Facebook messages about the newsagent selling fireworks and sharing tips on how to secure their letterboxes.

When the fun ends after Bonfire Night, the neighbourhood will revert back to its previous hate figure of the mystery dog turd-leaver.

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The Mash guide to pretending you understand Catalonia

WANT to sound like you understand Catalan independence but can’t be arsed to find out about it?

Just follow our simple guide:

If Catalonia comes up in conversation, gravely say, “It’s sad, very sad.” Your concern will suggest a deep understanding of the situation even if you previously thought Catalonia was a planet in Battlestar Galactica.

Do not say, “I used to love Catatonia. What’s Cerys Matthews up to these days? She was fit.”

Learn one actual fact, such as the Spanish prime minister’s name, and use it in vague, pointless statements like, “Where does this leave Mariano Rajoy now, that’s what I’m wondering?”

Keep the Wikipedia page open so you can sound knowledgeable in conversations, but don’t make it too obvious e.g. “Catalonia? You mean the autonomous Iberian Peninsula community with a GDP of £191 billion?”

Just make stuff up. Most Britons didn’t even pay attention to Brexit so there’s a good chance no one will call you out on nonsense like “I just hope this isn’t the flashpoint for World War 3!”

Invent a Catalan friend to ‘quote’. You will be able to spout any rubbish and people will think it is authentic insider knowledge. Just don’t give them an obviously made-up name like ‘Pedro Franco from San Miguel’.

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