the dailymash

Living Under A Flyover Is Character-Building, Says Minister

A FEW months sleeping under a flyover and eating discarded banana skins never did anyone any harm, the government said yesterday.
 

Housing minister John Healey said being thrown into the street could prove to be the making of you and confirmed that all future repossessions would be linked to the householder's level of moral fibre.

Mr Healey has appointed Bill McKay, a retired sergeant major in the Royal Anglian Regiment, to assess people in arrears and decide whether or not they would benefit from a few months in a cardboard box.

Sgt McKay: said: "Look at me when I'm talking to you, you fuckin' little maggots!

"If any one of you fuckin' mummy's boys can't pay your mortgage this month you will get my boot right up your fuckin' homo gayboy arse!

"And don't go crying to the financial fuckin' ombudsman. For the next six months your arse belongs to me, now gimme the keys to your house and then scrub my shitter with this fuckin' toothpick."

Mr Healey will visit Carlisle later today to unveil the new 50-acre 'Trampatarium' situated under the A6 flyover, which features open-air accommodation for over 3,000 recently evicted ghost-fighting pavement dwellers.

He said: "Flyovers, council dumps and railway arches will become the new boot camps of the 21st century where people can lose weight, toughen up and learn how to make informed decisions about mortgage products."

Sergeant McKay added: "And don't call me 'sir' - I'm not some fuckin' nancy-boy Sandhurst arse-bandit!"