the dailymash

The study, commissioned by the London Assembly, found that commuters get a bit tearful when it's all busy and would like £900bn to be spent on ensuring a brand new and completely empty train arrives 14 times a second.

But despite the severe trauma Londoners also deploy a range of tactics to protect their pathetic, cosmopolitan knees and ensure their soft, fashionable buttocks are adequately cushioned while travelling to work.

According to the report ruthless commuters are filling up on poached eggs and bran so they can emit gas directly into someone's face until the stench becomes intolerable and they are forced to surrender their seat.

And in some cases the 'dog-eat-dog' mentality even extends to eating dog parts in a bid to disgust fellow passengers into leaving the carriage.

Tom Logan, who commutes from West Kensington to Bank, said: "If it's absolutely heaving I will pull out a hickory smoked beagle snout and start chewing it loudly.

"If that doesn't work then I'm afraid I would be forced to flatulate heavily into the face of a pregnant woman or frail pensioner."

The report found that many passengers have developed 'coping strategies' such as listening to music, thinking about stuff and, in a small number of cases, realising that London is actually quite busy and it is just a 15 minute tube journey for Christ's sake.

Engineer Roy Hobbs said: "Tube trains are small so they can fit into the tunnels. If you make the trains bigger than the tunnels, it probably won't work.

"We could make the tunnels bigger but then all the buildings would collapse into big holes in the ground. But of course that would make the trains quieter  as there would be no buildings for people to go to work in."

He added: "Shall we give that a try? You fucking idiots."