The Daily Mash - LONELY PEOPLE REMINDED THEY DON'T HAVE TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH LIZ JONES

LONELY PEOPLE REMINDED THEY DON'T HAVE TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH LIZ JONES

22-12-09

A CHARITY campaign for people spending Christmas alone has reminded them they could be with Liz Jones instead.

This is how

The organisation, called It Could Be Worse, seeks to raise the spirits of those who find themselves single during the festive season by asking them to imagine being trapped in a remote country house with only the unbearable Daily Mail columnist and her awful cats for company.

An ICBW spokesman said: "Imagine sitting with her in front of a roaring fire as she bleats on about herself for days on end but there are no heavy logs left to smack her over the head with.

"Then one of her familiars - sorry, cats - would wander in and you'd think thank fuck, here's somebody else for her to talk at.

"But then, somehow, the cat starts talking, going on and on and on about how difficult it is being a cat in this anxiety-fraught modern age.

"And you start clawing at your face, pulling away big chunks of flesh in sheer desperation as she ignores your screams and launches in to some self-regarding diatribe about her sodding ex-husband and how her rustic neighbours hated her just because she wrote a national newspaper column about how they all smelled of dead pigs.”

He added: "Come Christmas day you'll be on your own watching Thunderball with a glass of warm lager and a microwaved turkey-style dinner and thinking 'thank Christ for that'."

The campaign leaflet also offers a series of alternative nightmare Christmas scenarios, including being turned into a labrador by an evil wizard and then adopted by Ben Fogle or being given a Michael McIntyre DVD.