Luxury London development ruined by actual resident

AN EXCLUSIVE City development of £1m apartments has been scandalised by the revelation that someone lives there.

More than three-quarters of the Renzo Piano-designed Cube Point apartments overlooking the Thames are up for sale after the discovery that bond trader Joseph Turner has been living on the premises for long as six months.

Prince Rashad Al Maddah said: “This used to be a lovely mixed-use residential and high-end retail complex.

“You could stand out on your balcony and hear nothing but the gentle hum of your property accumulating value before returning to your suite at the Dorchester.

“But the other weekend I noticed a man dodging furtively into the elevator like he actually knew the place.

“Turns out he’s been living there full-time. Food in the cupboards, sleeping in the bed, showering, the lot.

“He may as well be a squatter.”

Turner said: “I know I’ve broken the service agreement, but my place in Dubai’s tied up in my divorce, the apartment in Paris is being sublet and the house in the Cotswolds was set on fire for tax reasons.

“If it helps at all I am a non-dom.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Boris Johnson lobs grenade through taxi window

THE Mayor of London has been filmed pulling a pin from a grenade with his teeth, throwing it into a black cab and cycling away before it explodes.

Johnson has admitted the assault, triggered by an argument over Uber, and has refused to apologise for what he called “a robust response to my critics”.

He continued: “Whether I’m rolling CS gas into meetings with union bosses, attaching magnetic IEDs to a bendy bus full of social workers or discharging my standard Boris Bike sidearm at a protest march, I will always remain accessible to ordinary Londoners.

“I’m not the kind of politician afraid to mingle with voters in the streets, as the knife-fight I had in the Soho gutter with a Labour councillor last week proved.

“Whether you want to be thrown into the Thames, hanged from the top of Canary Wharf or set aflame in Covent Garden, don’t be afraid to approach me and don’t be surprised at my response.”

The cab driver, who survived the attack, said he would always vote for Boris because he is a man of the people.

Next story ›