Mail readers' heads explode in search for April Fool
THOUSANDS of heads were exploding across Britain today as people tried to work out which Daily Mail story was a hoax.
No fucking joke
Homes and offices were filled with the strains of mounting confusion followed by a wet bursting sound as walls, ceilings and bus stops were spattered with fresh brain.
Dr Tom Logan, a psychiatrist who specialises in working out what the fuck the Daily Mail is on about, said: “The first candidate is ‘Feminism widened poverty gap’ which seems to be an obvious and grotesque falsehood, but of course the Mail thinks it’s true.
“Next up is the attractive public school teacher getting her knockers out – but they do about four of those a day at the moment.
“Naturally we can skip past ‘India to overtake China as world’s
biggest nation’ because, to the Daily Mail, that is deadly serious.
“Then we have ‘Only English people pay for prescriptions’, but they specifically point out that it’s not the April Fools joke, lest they miss an opportunity to ramp up the seething hatred between people of all backgrounds.
“Or there’s Prince Charles trying it on with some Spanish princess, but to be honest he does seem to have a wandering eye these days. Poor old Camilla.
“Then there’s ‘Men with pot bellies more likely to go blind’ which does have the feel of a Daily Mail hoax because it would be so horribly cruel and unfunny. But there is some science in it apparently.
“Then we have the man who built a replica of the Titanic in his back garden, but the Mail does to tend to celebrate this kind of British eccentricity. As long as it’s by a white guy who has never kissed a man.
“That leaves us with ‘Garden hedge that looks like Buddha sparks religious hate campaign’. But of course that is the sort of quintessentially English reaction to Buddha-shaped topiary that can only be true.
“Actually, can we stop for a minute? I’m starting to feel a build up of pressure behind my left ear.”
Dr Logan added: “We need to put an end to this annual carnage and the only way is for the Mail to make their April Fool much easier to spot. Perhaps it could be a story about how rape is a real crime, or a Melanie Phillips column that isn’t covered by section 4 of the Mental Health Act.
“They should follow the example of today’s Guardian with its full-throated support for the monarchy, even though it served simply to remind us what a bunch of smug pricks they really are.”
