Man in new relationship fakes joy at autumn colours

A BOYFRIEND of two months has expressed fake wonder at how the leaves have changed colour.

28-year-old Stephen Malley pretended to appreciate the beauty of nature while walking in a park with new girlfriend Mary Fisher.

Malley said: “When she paused and said how ‘the tints and hues at this time of year are breath-taking’, I immediately knew it was a test.

“I did a sort of dreamy look and said that it reminded me of a poem I read at school, then took some photos of bushes to put on the internet.

“Hopefully by the spring we might have moved onto the stage in our relationship when I can react to her excitement over lambs and daffodils by shrugging and making a huffing noise.”

Fisher, 29, said: “I have no interest in trees but in the early stages of a relationship men expect you to act like a romantic sap. If you don’t they get scared and run away.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Ask Holly: Instagram destroyed my soul

Dear Holly,

Instagram destroyed my soul – like a dark satanic mirror it reflected back the ugliness of my unhealthy self-obsession. I’ve done a Youtube video all about me crying and wearing no make-up but I still feel lost. More worryingly, it turns out I am compelled to mime quotation marks in a very distracting way. Is all hope lost?

Essena 

Australia

Dear Essena,

My granny loves Instagram. She usually just posts photos of random old lady stuff like her friend Joyce falling asleep on a Stannah stairlift, or getting her varicose veins threaded, or buying a nice piece of corned beef in Morrisons. Granny’s friend Margaret died last week and she had a great time taking selfies with the coffin and taking atmospheric #nofilter shots of the prawn vol-au-vents. 

Hope that helps,

Holly