Manchester In Desperate Need Of A Bowling Alley
MANCHESTER is to build a gigantic bowling alley after it emerged that 30 local men had nothing better to do on a Thursday night than go to a footballer’s house and threaten to kill him.
And nobody has to die
As a crowd of men in balaclavas gathered outside the home of the footballer who might go and play for another team, civic leaders said Jesus Christ, this place is so incredibly fucked up.
Bill McKay, a Labour councillor from Ardwick, said: “If we had a really big bowling alley that also had arcade games and maybe a Pizza Hut franchise then that would hopefully be enough to distract them from threatening to kill footballers who want to play for another team.
“It would probably help if it also had a soft play area. I know that when I want to commit a sports-based murder the only thing that calms me down is jumping into a pit full of plastic balls.”
But Martin Bishop, a Liberal Democrat from Salford, said: “What about a Frankie and Bennys? They do a nice spaghetti carbonara. Or maybe we could ask the Trafford Centre Laser Quest to do half price on a week night?
“Perhaps when they are running around Laser Quest shooting each other with their laser guns they could pretend that they are actually killing footballers who want to play for another team.”
But Stretford-based social worker Julian Cook warned that the death threats were no longer confined to footballers who may or may not have expressed a preference to stop playing for one team and start playing for another one.
He added: “In the last six months I have seen men in Eric Cantona masks threaten to kill lollipop ladies, dogs without collars, post boxes and random pieces of litter. I think what we really need here is a second Laser Quest and maybe a TGI Fridays.”
Meanwhile Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has tried to appease blood-thirsty fans by pledging to step-up his search for a replacement whore-loving homunculus who is already past his best.
