THE editor of Masochism Today has welcomed a government crackdown on kinky porn and demanded that a cheese grater be dragged across his testicles for breaching the new regulations.

The transport secretary would be delighted to introduce Opus Dei to your bare bottom

He said: "Oh no, our incredibly strict government has discovered that I have been playing naughty games in private with my kinky friends and now it wants to punish me.

"It's going to force me to dress up as a schoolgirl and sit down at a desk while Harriet Harman walks up and down in a short skirt and stockings, carrying a cane.

"And if I can’t recite the relevant clause from the Obscene Publications Act she’s going to put me in some stocks, pull down my knickers and spank my little white botty with a fish slice while screaming filth at me in German."

Henry Brubaker, head of civil liberties at the Institute for Studies, said: "Some people would argue that what consenting adults get up to in the privacy of their own homes is nothing to do with the government.

"But if people are determined to hurt themselves in the pursuit of delicious, forbidden ecstacy they should join the Catholic Church. Otherwise, they are deranged perverts who should be thrashed until their privates explode."

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