the dailymash

Up and down the country pubs have been thrown into confused silence as millions of men struggle to fill the uncomfortable pauses between mouthfuls of lager.

Carlisle taxi driver Charlie Reeves said: "Do you know what we discussed last night? Dave's wife's hysterectomy. What the fuck is that about?"

Television schedules have also been affected, with Andy Gray and Martin Tyler forced to simulate cancelled matches using a card table and some cold cocktail sausages while Jeff Stelling makes crowd noises in the background.

Meanwhile the BBC screened the shortest ever edition of Match Of The Day with Gabby Logan spending all four minutes of the show's running time asking Mark Lawrenson if he had seen Avatar before explaining what 3D was and why he didn't have to be afraid of 10ft tall blue cat people stealing his Audi.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The psychological strain of thinking up new topics could force some men to desperate acts, such as taking an evening class in conversational French or talking to the woman they married.
 
"Asking men to talk to each other without the conversational framework of sport is like asking a fish to go about its fishy duties without the framework of water. If this snow continues, we could even see men discussing their feelings with each other. Their bloody feelings."

But Charlie Reeves said he has planned a suicide pact with his friends, adding: "If we find ourselves discussing society's lack of empathy for our emotional needs we're going to to strangle each other simultaneously with a 30ft extension cable. It's no kind of life."