Men Under Pressure To Look Vaguely Presentable
IMAGES of male beauty in the media are forcing men to make some sort of grudging effort to look half-decent, it was claimed last night.
According to research by the Institute for Studies, attractive actors and models in magazines such as AbsNow! and Stomach Quarterly are to blame for new patterns of dysfunctional behaviour in men, like stopping to sniff the shirt that they found on the floor before putting it on.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “In the past men have relied on wealth or the fleeting burst of confidence that accompanies binge drinking in order to snare a mate.
“But the recent prevalence of male models and celebrities who look fit, clean and also profess to not be homosexual is changing the rules of the mating game and making men uncomfortable with their natural, healthy nose and ear hair and pallid distended bellies. Albeit not quite uncomfortable enough to do anything about it.”
The Institute’s report recommends that male models must all be flabby heterosexuals and that broadcasters are banned from using any actors more handsome than Minty from Eastenders.
Stephen Malley, a man, said: “I’ve become obsessed with having abs like Robert Pattinson. So I’ve sort of drawn some on, using a black marker pen I found down the back of the sofa while looking for crisps.
“From a distance it looks quite convincing. Actually I guess maybe ‘obsessed’ was a bit strong.”
He added: “The media are definitely exploiting my insecurity so I would like to see magazine pictures of a shirtless Orlando Bloom replaced by something less exploitative, such as, for example, a load of big, bouncy titties.”