Minimum entry requirement introduced for geeks
PEOPLE designating themselves as geeks will have to pass a basic exam, it has been confirmed.
Wearing oversized glasses and watching The Big Bang Theory will be replaced with a proven track record of academic overachievement and traumatic childhood bullying.
Geekologist Roy Hobbs said: “I didn’t spend six years retrieving my sputum-flecked satchel from the school roof just to be usurped by some fucknut in a Dangermouse t-shirt.
“It’s time to reclaim the word ‘geek’ as somebody with borderline autism who thinks in algebraic formulae as opposed to one of the four billion people who reckons Empire is better than Star Wars.
“They don’t even know the latter’s proper title is Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, which is abbreviated to ‘A New Hope’. Idiots.”
After passing the £250 entrance exam with questions on eyewatering Hentai porn and the correct way to arrange Farscape action figurines in a display cabinet, successful candidates will be given a badge of geekdom.
The badge will come in one of 12 slightly different designs and the full set will only be awarded to those who sit the exam 12 times including in Na’vi, Entish and the Galach tongue from Dune.
The new guidelines will help separate the truly geeky from those who want to have sex with Alyson Hannigan or Zooey Deschanel on the basis they are extremely attractive women who occasionally pretend to be socially awkward in exchange for large sums of money.
Hobbs added: “From now on saying you think ‘science is really cool’ because you like Brian Cox won’t mean shit unless you treat your acne using homemade benzoyl peroxide.”