the dailymash

Just close your eyes

Officials confirmed a 21 per cent rise in the difference between the number of people arriving and the number of people who have scraped together just enough money not to have to put up with this relentless torrent of raw, over-priced sewage for a minute longer than they have to.

The Office of National Statistics revealed that while the number of immigrants rose very slightly, there was a dizzying drop in those desperately wise enough to bugger the fuck off to France or New Zealand or some other place that has the soaring advantage of not being this.

Julian Cook, from Stevenage, said: “I’m still about five hundred quid short. Can I do dirty things to you for a month? I’ll put on a luxurious auburn wig, speak Geordie and let you call me ‘Cheryl’.

“Aw pet, yus are aal man, like.”

Jane Thompson, from Hatfield, added: “The house is on the market. I’ve sold my youngest to a kindly Austrian and I’m willing to hose down the beds in a Marseille brothel.

“Sweet baby Jesus, shine your forgiving light upon me.”

But Bill McKay, an amateur mathematician from Peterborough, said: “Typical, defeatist arse.

“As I had confidently predicted there are now 21 per cent more coffee cakes clogging up my local maternity unit, with their deliberately gigantic hips.

“If you cared one jot about your country then you too would have the guts to read the Daily Mail and know that truth is not to be found in actual numbers.

“You have to use your imagination.”

Meanwhile, experts warned of a sharp rise in those who have forsaken their happiness saying things like ‘I’m telling you, my local Debenhams has gone Halal’ and ‘why don’t you just go and live in a country where your life expectancy will be extended by at least seven years, you greasy, limp-wristed traitor?’.