Most Children Now Raised By Goats
MOST British children are now being raised by goats, dogs, rats and monkeys, according to new research.
The Family and Parenting Institute found that only 12% of children born in the UK since 1994 are being raised by traditional lesbian parents while the number being brought up by a transsexual grandmother and her gay best friend is at its lowest level since the mid 1950s.
A spokesman said: "Lesbians having children later coupled with an increase in gay and transgender divorce leads to more people leaving their children in the woods or on the side of a mountain.
"The breakdown of the normal lesbian family unit means extra pressure on social services, not to mention council gardeners working round the clock to replace the shrubs being eaten by all these goat children."
He added: "Babies raised by goats do not enjoy the same life chances as those raised in a brothel full of lady-boys or on board an all-gay canal barge.
"Children raised by dogs on the other hand often go on to great success in sheep-herding trials while aristocratic monkey children are adept at swinging through trees and saving jungle explorers from leopards and stuff.
"Their language skills aren't up to much but they usually have a small team of chimpanzee helpers to carry out menial tasks and go to the shops for them.
"Meanwhile their muscular physique and gentle spirit ensures a steady stream of doe-eyed women desperate to have sexual intercourse with them in their elaborate tree house."
The Institute is now calling on the government to introduce a series of tax breaks to boost nuclear lesbians as well as advanced parenting lessons for every three year-old goat in England and Wales.