Mummified cabbie won't stop talking
A TAXI driver whose dead body was mummified will not shut up, it emerged last night.
Alan Billis, from Torquay, was preserved using ancient Egyptian techniques which he talks about constantly.
Now visitors have complained of having to put up with his inane chatter when they are just trying to have a nice quiet walk around a tomb.
Helen Archer, from Swindon, said: “I’m fascinated with the process of mummification so I wanted to take a close look at Mr Billis’s remains, but as soon as he spotted me he was like, ‘where have you come from today then?’.
“I said ‘Swindon, actually’ and he then launched into a 25 minute story about how his mum cousin’s husband used to run a garage in Swindon until he packed it in and went to live in Majorca.
“I made the sort of disinterested, non-committal grunts that situations like this absolutely demand but he just kept going on and on and on.”
Julian Cook, professor of taxidology at Roehampton University, said: “All taxi drivers continue to talk after death, but most of them are either cremated, thus incinerating the voice box, or buried in the ground deep enough so that all you can hear is a very faint mumbling sound.
“By preserving the body in this way we are condemning thousands of people who want to see a 21st century mummy to having to listen to an endless stream of opinions about the current England squad and why everything was just fine before all this health and safety.”
He added: “Of course in the olden days dead cab drivers were always stuffed, thus leading to the term ‘taxidermy’.
“No, you fuck off.”