New Campaign Urges Teens To 'Get Up The Spout In Ilfracombe'
27-11-09
THE seaside resort of Ilfracombe is to place teenage pregnancy rates at the heart of its economic development strategy.
How marvellous
Roy Hobbs, the council's deputy leader said: "There's nowhere better in the UK to enjoy underage breeding or to flee to after you've gotten 'in the pudding club' halfway through your GCSEs following a night of Breezer-fuelled passion in a bus stop with a pimply-necked 'garage MC'.
"We have an efficient benefits systems, a plentiful supply of bedsits and lots of second-hand toy shops."
He added: "And if you aren't in the family way when you arrive, there's any number of bored, cod-eyed local dolts skiving off their BTECs who'd happily inseminate you in exchange for a chip sandwich."
Ilfracombe's town logo has even been re-designed to incorporate a wiggling sperm known as 'Jazzy the Jism'.
Fifteen year-old Nikki Hollis said: "When I got knocked up by my cousin Jordan in the cloakroom at the school disco, my mum nearly spat out a kidney.
"But since running away to Ilfracombe I've been having a great time. It seems like pretty much every girl here is packing a fetus, and I can't wait to spend the next few years wheeling a pushchair around the shopping centre with my mates, stopping occasionally to nick something from a bangle shop."
