New Website To Reveal Exactly Why Britain Doesn't Work

21-01-10

THE inventor of the world wide web has unveiled a new website which could eventually reveal the precise reason why Britain is no longer a suitable habitat for human beings.

Then again, perhaps it's right under our nose

Sir Tim Berners-Lee said data.gov.uk will offer reams of public sector statistics including fake road works, actual crime figures and the number of times some fat-arsed, overpaid, local authority socialist can't be bothered to do his fucking job.

He added: "The precise reason why Britain is such an unspeakably ghastly and unbearable shithole where nothing works has eluded science for many years.

"This project will allow anyone with a computer to analyse the data and identify patterns in the ghastly shittiness, until we can finally point at something and say 'yes, that's it!'"

Sir Tim said ordinary citizens will be able to use the data in conjunction with Ordnance Survey maps to show the exact location of road works that are completely unnecessary and are only being carried out so that some lazy, stupid bastard with a pension the size of Canada can use up his budget before the end of March.

The information could also be used to identify Britain's oldest pothole, how much business it has generated for its local garage and why in the name of holy buggering fuck it has never, ever been fixed.

Meanwhile a team from the Institute for Studies has already developed a spin-off site using data from Ofsted which can list schools according to a range of criteria including pupil-teacher pregnancies, concealed weaponry and the ability to spell the word 'on'.

Institute director, Professor Henry Brubaker, said: "We are now working on a site using NHS statistics to produce an interactive map of the most faeces-ridden hospitals and exactly how long it should take them to make you die."

He added: "By allowing access to this information, individuals and communities will hopefully use it to work themselves into a frenzy, demolish their town hall and place their local MP or council leader inside a giant wicker man."

 

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