No, Britain Told

MILLIONS of Britons were finally told ‘no’ yesterday.

It's your problem now, you dreary, stinking morons

Arctic weather, a crumbling economy and an overwhelming sense of fuck off has compelled the government, major charities and the clergy to tell the UK to just sort it out for themselves.

Civil servant Wayne Hayes said: “If you are going to cry me a river about your unmet needs and unfulfilled desires then you’d better start learning how to build a canoe, because I don’t give a shit.

“It’s such a massive relief to finally be able to say that whatever little demand is currently bubbling up inside your head can be popped with a simple, two-letter pin called ‘no’.

“Now if you don’t mind I’ve got my own life to try and make slightly more bearable, so off you jolly well piss.”

The country’s teenagers have reacted badly to the news, but counselling will not be offered under any circumstances.

The Samaritans are taking extended annual leave and may not even come back, while police chiefs warned anyone making 999 calls because they lost their car keys or their cat is missing would be rounded up and vigorously kettled for six months in a field outside Carlisle as part of the ‘Zero Tolerance For Your Bullshit’ campaign.

Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, added: “If one reads the Bible, which I’m pretty confident I have and you haven’t, there’s very little doctrinal wriggle room for what constitutes acting the prick.

“So if you don’t like it go and ask Richard Dawkins to organise jumble sales and put up with your moaning because I have had it.”

While no official body has put a timescale on how long the answer will stay ‘no’, Hayes predicted it will remain in place until at least the 12th of Fuckyouary.