North Ghastly

THE north of England is just so horrid and ghastly, according to a new report by some people who work in central London.

A Northern man in his hat

The Policy Exchange said the north is all covered in soot and fleas and there is nowhere you can buy fresh guinea fowl and organic basil.

Meanwhile the people of the north are all hunched and mumbling with low, flat, elongated skulls, a prominent brow and no chin.

They also have broad shoulders and massive forearms from lifting heavy vats of pigs blood and bending things made from iron.

The report recommends they all jolly well go to university, lose that dreadful accent and get themselves a proper job with a PR company in Covent Garden, or perhaps a think tank based near the House of Commons. They should also have a bath.

A Policy Exchange spokesman said: "Just back from Gascony – gorgeous. Saw Tim, he says 'hi'.

"Anyway, the North – have you been? Horrid. I mean Sunderland – what's the point?"

He added: "I met a northern chap once. Knew an awful lot about cricket but was in a terribly bad mood.

"Kept saying gin and tonic was for 'shirtlifters' and then turned his nose up at the olive bread. Do you see what I mean?"