Office Workers Finally Switch To Crack
AN IMMUNITY to caffeine has led to a growing number of office workers
switching to
crack, according to new research.
At least the teaspoons don't go to waste
Experts said an increasing number of British workers are using the high strength drug in a bid to manipulate time and fill themselves with the pure euphoria they need to get through a marketing seminar without bursting into tears.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The effects of caffeine do now seem to be overstated but even a little bit of crack can see an average staff member produce 70 pages of work an hour, even if most of it is barely-comprehensible obscenity.”
Increased crack consumption has also helped productivity as more workers forego food-based lunch breaks to stay at their desk and pound their keyboards in a spittle-flecked fury.
One coffee vendor outside Bank station in London has started selling
crack-laced hot drinks to morning commuters hurtling toward their
ten-hour living nightmare.
Charlie Reeves, owner of Crackaccinos,
said: “One of my customers works on the 43rd floor of the Natwest Tower
and since I’ve changed to crack drinks he’s stopped taking the lift.”
Accountant Tom Logan said: “Cleaning the cafetiere, buying milk, checking the coffee’s fair trade – wasteoftimewasteoftimewasteoftime.
“Pipe, lighter, rock and I’m ready to whoooOOOHHHHH YEAAAHHH FUCK LET’S GO! LET’S FUCKING DO THIS SHIT!
He added: “DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! AHA HA HA HA HA HA. CRACK FUCKING RULES!”
Meanwhile, Professor Brubaker has advised companies to look out for the key signs of employee crack-breaks, including plummeting weight, severe depression, fight clubs and a firmly-held conviction that a swarm of crayfish are living under their eyelids.
