Our Children Can't Hold Their Booze, Admit Northerners
PARENTS in the North say they are 'deeply shamed' after new figures revealed their children are lightweights, unable to handle a proper session.
Lancashire parent, Tom Logan, said: "Kids these days don't have the commitment or discipline to handle session drinking. They throw up at the drop of a hat, and worse still they often crawl off to bed after being sick rather than just carrying on as if nothing's happened, like you're supposed to.
"Parents are responsible for teaching their children how to drink, and that means leading by example even if you end up losing your job and have to sell all your chairs to Cash Converters."
Drinking consultant Emma Bradford suggested that one possible solution could lie in 'twinning' the under-14s with a borderline alcoholic scaffolder or travelling marquee erector at least twice their age.
She said: "Placing children under the mentorship of an itinerant manual worker, ideally a burly male with a neck tattoo and at least one deeply bitter divorce behind him, creates a great context for experiencing heavy drinking and also a keen sense of how shit the world is.
"I also recommend starting reluctant young drinkers on shorts rather than beer, as spirits offer a higher alcohol content per volume, ideal for smaller stomachs."
Stephen Malley, 13, from Leeds, said: "There's a lot of pressure from friends to study diligently and spend weekends playing cricket or going orienteering, like some fucking poof.
"Personally I'd rather go out Friday and wake-up Sunday in a skip. I guess you just have to be strong-willed."
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