Society

Scotland bursting at seams with dreary show-offs

SCOTLAND has been overwhelmed by boring, self-obsessed people with something to prove.

Gatwick employs extra surly layabouts

GATWICK has doubled its staff of surly baggage-flingers.

Kids switch from pirates to hitmen

CHILDREN have moved on from their love for pirates to a fascination with hired killers.

Millions forced into fantasy football

WORKERS are being coerced into joining complex and tedious fantasy football games.

UK to get referendum on opening Pandora’s box

BRITONS are expected to vote in favour of opening a box containing unspeakable evil.

Blue cheese survives another picnic

A WEDGE of Stilton has returned fully intact from its fifth picnic of the summer.

Road worker sick of being the designated shoveller

HIGHWAYS operative Tom Logan is angry that he always has to use the shovel while his team stands around watching him.

Britons impressed by big percentages

STATISTICALLY illiterate Britons are being shocked and surprised by percentages that only relate to a tiny number of actual things.