Brighton to become the UK’s first ‘twats only’ town

UNBEARABLY smug seaside twat haven Brighton is to ban ordinary people.

Septum rings ‘have the same timeless appeal as eyebrow piercings’

THE fashionable septum piercing will look cool forever much as eyebrow rings do, it has been claimed.

Kids looking forward to carefree summer being a massive burden

CHILDREN across the country are excited for a long, magical summer of being cared for by whoever is available.

Teenager gets summer job for rest of life

A TEENAGER has taken the summer job which he will retire from in 2063.

Working class area of London to be kept as a living museum

AN AUTHENTICALLY working class area of London will be allowed to continue existing as a tourist attraction.

Nobody sure why wedding guest is wearing a kilt

WEDDING guests have drawn a blank on why one of their number is wearing a kilt.

Londoners running out of tube strike small talk

WORKERS are demanding postponement of the next tube strike so that they can think up fresh chit chat on the subject.

Friend always takes excessive amount of rolling tobacco

A 28-YEAR-OLD woman routinely takes an extravagant amount of tobacco when friends offer her a roll up.