Society

Fence-cutters far cheaper than festival tickets

TOOLS for cutting holes in fences cost much less than music festival tickets, it has emerged.

Pretty girl in summer dress is most depressing sight imaginable

AN attractive young woman in a pretty summer dress is putting men and woman alike in a terrible mood.

Public schools still top for producing bastards

INDEPENDENT schools are still better than state schools at cultivating high-quality bastards, it has emerged.

Bulgarians and Romanians are pretending to be Irish, claims Farage

BRITAIN has been invaded by millions of Bulgarians and Romanians, but no one can tell because they are all pretending to be Irish, Nigel Farage has claimed.

Tories pledge free school meals for right-wing children

THE Conservatives have pledged to introduce free lunches for primary school children with traditional, right-wing values.

Plumber just has to go and get something

PLUMBER Roy Hobbs just has to nip off and get a part, it has emerged.

Police stopped solving crimes in 2005

THE police have apologised to anyone who thought they still solve crimes.

Richard Littlejohn’s Lost World of Bollocks

The school was made of purpose-built bricks and had doors where you could go in and out, mostly without being felt-up by some pervert.