Society

New coat gives false sense of hope

A WINTER coat has given its owner the unfounded sense of a new beginning.

Satan quits over Debenhams Christmas advert

THE devil has given up after admitting that the Debenhams Christmas advert is more evil than anything he could have conceived.

Woman's massive poppy clearly meant for van

THE enormous poppy pinned to a woman's lapel was obviously designed to go on a vehicle.

Pumpkin carving is the new dick size, say men

EXPERTLY carving a Halloween pumpkin is the new way to demonstrate your virility, men have confirmed.

Parents delighted as son’s creative dreams die

THE parents of 25-year-old Nathan Muir are celebrating their son’s decision to abandon his band for a job in a bank.

Single man’s housework routine is applying to Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners

43-YEAR-OLD Tom Booker’s cleaning regime is repeatedly applying to a TV series where strangers come and sort it out.

Next person who says they are ‘loving’ something to get punched in the face

THE next individual to describe themselves as ‘loving’ this or that can be punched squarely in the face, the government has confirmed.

Villages’ quirky Halloween celebrations also involve human sacrifice

RURAL villages that mark Halloween with funny old-fashioned ceremonies always kill someone at the end, it has emerged.