Rich banned from digging tunnels to escape miserable lives

KENSINGTON and Chelsea council is to stop billionaire residents from digging escape tunnels that allow them to live like normal people.

Young couples excited to begin futile lifelong quest for increasingly large property

FIRST-TIME buyers have welcomed stamp duty cuts that will help launch them on a spiritually barren path of buying incrementally large houses.

Woman genuinely contemptuous of celebrity fashion

A WOMAN has failed to realise that outrageous fashions are just part of a grim celebrity publicity machine.

Parents in last-minute dash to miss school play

PARENTS across the country are making every effort possible not to see their children's Christmas plays.

Society obsessed with breasts except in most natural context

BRITAIN is desperate to see breasts except when they are being used to feed a baby, it has been claimed.

Government to spend £600bn on four gigantic things

THE government is to spend almost £600 billion on the four biggest things it could think of.

Number of housewives needing sex with any male internet user reaching crisis point

THE volume of attractive wives needing immediate no-strings sexual encounters is becoming a humanitarian crisis, it has been claimed.

Northern grandmother gets sprouts on

A GRANDMOTHER in Lancashire has begun boiling the vegetables for her Christmas dinner.