Church to invest in something other than oil or poor people

THE Church of England is to sell its shares in fossil fuel companies and continue to not give that money to the poor.

So we meet again, Southern tells commuters

SOUTHERN trains has admitted its passengers are 'resilient bastards' who do not know when they are beaten.

Life now nasty, brutish and long

INCREASED life expectancy has forced several key sayings about man’s lot to be revised.

Bouncers just fat

NIGHTCLUB bouncers look hard simply because they are overweight, it has emerged.

Sun reader suspects paper of using subliminal messages

A REGULAR Sun reader suspects the newspaper is using subliminal messages to try and influence his political views.

Music playing from somewhere on computer

A MAN has been unable to locate the source of music playing on his computer.

‘Shit’ only accurate word for trains

BRITAIN’S train services are impossible to describe without an excrement comparison, it has emerged.

Anyone throwing confetti goes straight to hell, say vicars

VICARS have informed wedding guests that throwing confetti on church ground means eternal damnation.