Nobody actually wants to go out

EVERYONE who plans to go out is secretly hoping that their friends all drop out, it has been revealed.

Man who says 'correct me if I'm wrong' has no intention of being corrected

A MAN who asks people to correct him if he was wrong does not in fact wish to be corrected, it has emerged.

Number of left-wing people in London down to three

THERE are currently only three left-wing Londoners, it has been confirmed.

Spam email makes bold, exciting promise to fix man's credit rating

A SPAM email from a credit card company has made a bold and courageous promise to fix a man’s credit rating.

Hipsters having a hard time trying to copy Trump's hair

TRENDY people who want to copy Donald Trump’s hair in an ironic way are finding it impossible, it has emerged.

Woman who says ‘You’ll either love me or you’ll hate me’ is universally hated

A WOMAN who claims to have a divisive personality unites everyone who meets her in hatred, it has emerged.

Toddler blissfully unaware he is called Roderick

A TWO-YEAR-OLD boy is still not aware that his parents have ruined his life by calling him Roderick.

Buying a house was so stressful, say unbearable bastards

BECOMING a homeowner is just awful, according to the worst two people you know.