Everyone has a relative who 'can get you any car'

ALL Britons have a male relative who can get them any second hand car, it has emerged.

Jacket potatoes worried they are no longer part of the zeitgeist

BAKED potatoes are worried that their glory days are over, it has emerged.

New bedtime book makes children silent and motionless with fear

A POPULAR new bedtime book called Mr Daggerteeth is about a monster that eats children who make any sort of noise or movement during the night.

Student to get valuable life experience from moving to purpose-built luxury apartment

AN affluent degree student is nervously excited about moving from the parental home to a deluxe apartment with every possible amenity.

Rabid fox gets warmer reception than migrants

A FOX with rabies has been described as ‘plucky’ after running through the Eurotunnel while the authorities were focused on migrants.

Church bellringers asked if they know what f**king day it is

BELLRINGERS have been asked why in Christ they are making all that noise on a Sunday morning when everyone needs to sleep.

Flatmates and a shit job make you seem younger, say experts

THE BEST way to take a decade off your age is to have a dead-end job and live in a dilapidated shared house, according to scientists.

Man unsure whether to take phone call while on the toilet

A MAN awaiting news about a job was unsure whether to answer a phone call because he was on the lavatory.