May to purge Britain of people who steal toilet paper from work 

THERESA May has launched a brutal crackdown on people who steal toilet rolls from their employers.

Working classes now eating Viennetta 

WORKING class families are now eating Vienetta for dessert, it has been revealed.

You may as well start looting now, say experts

EVERYTHING is falling apart so you should get a head start on your looting, experts have confirmed.

Man from Leeds doesn't know everyone from Leeds

A MAN from Leeds has been forced to explain he does not know every one of the city’s 766,000 residents personally.

Woman enters third week of battling Starbucks latte

A WOMAN is beginning to make headway on the enormous frothy cup in front of her.

UK exhausted from arguing with Brexit f**kwits

MILLIONS of Britons are physically exhausted after spending several weeks arguing with people who do not understand anything.

Another triumph for democracy, sighs Britain

THE appointment of a new prime minister 14 months after it barely elected a different one has Britain once again marvelling at democracy.

Man who thinks EU is corrupt thinks everything is corrupt

A MAN who voted to leave the EU because it is corrupt believes an unfeasibly large number of people and institutions are dishonest.