Society

Tesco vows to take Britain down with it

TESCO has warned the people of the UK that they will pay with their lives for abandoning it.

Jesus died to give us two bank holidays

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has given thanks to Jesus, who gave his life so that we could have not just a Monday off work but a Friday too.

Men seeking plausible beard exit strategies

MILLIONS of men are about to pretend a shaving accident caused them to remove their beard.

Children of hippy parents getting shit eggs again

HIPPY parents will be giving their children drab, joyless dairy-free Easter eggs again this year, it has been confirmed.

Everyone either on holiday or pissed off

BRITONS are currently either away or brimming with resentment, it has emerged.

Sharing overrated

TAPAS-TYPE meals are proof that the concept of sharing is overrated, it has been claimed.

Scouts to earn badge for running an artisan food van

CREATING an aspirational street food brand is one of a series of new scouting badges, it has been confirmed.

People who like their weekends oppose all forms of marriage

BRITONS who prefer weekends without expensive social obligations have opposed gay and straight marriage.