Nice people planning surprisingly heartless break-ups

PEOPLE who seemed quite nice are preparing to split up with their partners in surprisingly brutal ways, they have revealed.

Wearing pyjamas on school run ‘frees up time for pointless bloody-minded arguments’

NOT changing out of your pyjamas saves vital time for bloody-minded disputes with perceived authority figures, parents have claimed.

Lazy spare bedrooms despised by hard-working master bedrooms

HARD-WORKING master bedrooms have spoken out against idle spare bedrooms that do nothing but claim benefits.

Failure now an option

FAILURE is always an option despite what they tell you, experts have confirmed.

Refugees must constantly hum ‘Gimme Shelter’

ASYLUM seekers must make themselves identifiable by humming Gimme Shelter by The Rolling Stones, ministers have confirmed.

Arsehole brings his own bowling ball

AN INSUFFERABLE tit brought his own bowling ball along to the office night-out, it has emerged.

Man with big holes in his ears desperate for your approval

A MAN who has made large holes in his ears is absolutely desperate for your approval.

Dads doing unnecessary things with cars

BRITAIN’S dads are constantly doing unnecessary things to their cars, it has emerged.