Society

Secret trials now hottest gig in town

THE British judicial system has seen unprecedented demand for tickets for the upcoming secret trial of two unnamed terrorists.

D-Day veterans thank Britain for becoming so self-absorbed

THE veterans of D-Day have marked the 70th anniversary by thanking Britain for becoming shallow and worthless.

Good-looking groups of friends unable to sustain conversation

ATTRACTIVE people who only hang out with other good-looking individuals are dicks, it has emerged.

Today declared Take An E at Work Day

MILLIONS of Britons are taking pills at work to commemorate the life of 'godfather of ecstasy' Alexander Shulgin.

Bored office workers can't remember what they did before the internet

SKIVING desk workers can no longer recall how they got through the day before they had websites to look at.

Boss thinks it's probably time to bollock everyone

SENIOR manager Tom Booker is going to shout at his team because he feels obliged to bollock them regularly.

Punk not as important as former punk thinks

PUNK was far less important than ex-punk Tom Logan likes to think, it has emerged.

Pervasive stench of rice cakes means someone's on a diet

THE sickening odour of rice cakes drifting across the country has prompted a nationwide search for a person on a diet.