Southern Rail to replace timetable with avant garde poem

COMMUTERS using Southern Rail will need an advanced degree in modern poetry to know when their train is due.

35-year-old mocked for own-brand Hula Hoops

A 35-YEAR-OLD man is the laughing stock of his office after being seen eating supermarket own-brand Hula Hoops at his desk.

Last ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ poster ripped off wall

EVERY last poster, mug and T-shirt bearing the ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ slogan has been destroyed in frustrated rage, it has emerged.

Guardian reader secretly loving all this

A GUARDIAN reader is secretly enjoying being even more earnest than usual because of Brexit.

‘Alienated voter' actually just a twat

A MAN who claims he has been ignored by politicians is actually a lazy dipshit who just likes complaining, it has emerged.

Never trust a Jeremy, UK reminded

THE UK has been reminded that it should never, ever trust anyone named Jeremy. 

Woman disturbed by warm feelings for George Osborne

A WOMAN who found herself experiencing empathy for George Osborne is questioning her sanity, it has been confirmed.

This all your fault

THE screaming chaos presently engulfing the UK is entirely down to you, experts have confirmed.