Homeless man returns coffee to Waitrose

A HOMELESS man has returned a coffee that was given to him by someone exploiting Waitrose’s free drinks offer.

Cheese is dark lord of the fridge

THE other foods in your fridge are all scared of the cheese, it has emerged.

Using words too complicated

USING language to express ideas is far too much trouble, it has been agreed.

Voters warn of weird school smell

SCHOOL halls being used as polling stations have an overpowering childhood stench, it has been claimed.

Man realises too late that house party actually election party

A HORRIFIED man has realised the party he promised to attend tonight will be spent watching David Dimbleby and Andrew Neil.

Sitting alone in car parks confirmed as top leisure activity

MOST adults spend more then ten hours a week slumped in stationary cars hiding from their miserable lives, it has emerged.

Biggest dickhead from school now doing MMA

THE biggest dickhead you grew up with is now claiming to be a mixed martial arts fighter.

Bank Holiday refreshes workers’ loathing of jobs

A THREE-DAY weekend has reinvigorated workers’ resentment of the shit they have to do for money.