Grammar schooling to reintroduce concept of ‘riff-raff’

THE government is to bring back the term ‘riff-raff’, which will be used to describe the sort of children not welcome at new grammar schools.

Man on train has actually paid for a seat for his bag

A MAN on a crowded train has actually bought a ticket for the bag on the seat next to him.

Deadbeat uncle still thinks he is cool uncle

A DEADBEAT uncle mistakenly believes he is a cool uncle, it has emerged.

School uniform row has something for every idiot

A ROW over school uniforms has delighted a wide range of idiots across the UK.

Everyone quite capable of taking drugs at home

BRITONS do not need to go to a nightclub to take drugs, it has been confirmed.

Woman horrified to discover she is older than Beyonce

A WOMAN has decided to stop trying to achieve anything after discovering she is older than Beyonce.

Man observing that nights are drawing in thinks nobody else has noticed

A MAN who keeps commenting on the darker evenings does not understand that everyone else is trying to ignore it.

34-year-old skateboarder wows high street

A GROWN man has wowed onlookers by skateboarding down a high street and doing some sort of flip that didn’t come off.