‘Liberal elite’ is anyone who has voluntarily read a book

THE ‘liberal elite’ consists of anyone who has read a book out of choice, Theresa May has confirmed.

Man loves banging on about how f**ked things are

A MAN gets a weird self-righteous buzz from talking about how screwed everything is.

Woman gets kick from rattling cat food box and then not feeding cat

A WOMAN enjoys shaking her cat’s food box to make it run into the house and then not feeding it.

Joking that neighbour can clean your car next to incur three-point penalty

ASKING someone washing their car to ‘do yours next’ is now illegal.

Greasy spoon unsure whether it is ironic

A CAFE that serves cheap food to hungover hipsters can’t figure out if it is incredibly cool or just convenient.

Seemingly normal couple into board games

AN OUTWARDLY normal couple are into board games about farming and diseases.

Women ‘may understand concept of models’

WOMEN do not need to be constantly reminded that ‘real women’ exist who are not fashion models, it has emerged.

Investigation launched into who put Sonic Youth song on party playlist

AN INVESTIGATION has been launched into who put a 12-minute Sonic Youth song onto a party playlist.