Society

Hen parties embark on lifeless parody of fun

THOUSANDS of hen parties are preparing for raucous yet entirely fake fun.

Basically confirmed as the new literally

BASICALLY is this year's top superfluous word, it has been confirmed.

Government denies Buy A Massive House Free Money Woo Yeah! scheme is a stupid idea

FIRST-TIME buyers can now borrow unlimited money to buy a castle, George Osborne has confirmed.

Fence-cutters far cheaper than festival tickets

TOOLS for cutting holes in fences cost much less than music festival tickets, it has emerged.

Pretty girl in summer dress is most depressing sight imaginable

AN attractive young woman in a pretty summer dress is putting men and woman alike in a terrible mood.

Public schools still top for producing bastards

INDEPENDENT schools are still better than state schools at cultivating high-quality bastards, it has emerged.

Bulgarians and Romanians are pretending to be Irish, claims Farage

BRITAIN has been invaded by millions of Bulgarians and Romanians, but no one can tell because they are all pretending to be Irish, Nigel Farage has claimed.

Tories pledge free school meals for right-wing children

THE Conservatives have pledged to introduce free lunches for primary school children with traditional, right-wing values.