Man can’t decide whether to go out and get pissed or stay in and get pissed

A MAN is facing an impossible dilemma between getting drunk in the pub or getting drunk at home.

Cecil Rhodes statue comes to life and rampages through Oxford

A STATUE of Cecil Rhodes at Oxford University has come to life and gone on a racist rampage through the town.

Man has absolutely no intention of leaving his comfort zone

A MAN has confirmed he is completely happy in his comfort zone and the chances of him leaving it are zero.

Nice people planning surprisingly heartless break-ups

PEOPLE who seemed quite nice are preparing to split up with their partners in surprisingly brutal ways, they have revealed.

Wearing pyjamas on school run ‘frees up time for pointless bloody-minded arguments’

NOT changing out of your pyjamas saves vital time for bloody-minded disputes with perceived authority figures, parents have claimed.

Lazy spare bedrooms despised by hard-working master bedrooms

HARD-WORKING master bedrooms have spoken out against idle spare bedrooms that do nothing but claim benefits.

Failure now an option

FAILURE is always an option despite what they tell you, experts have confirmed.

Refugees must constantly hum ‘Gimme Shelter’

ASYLUM seekers must make themselves identifiable by humming Gimme Shelter by The Rolling Stones, ministers have confirmed.