Society

Cattery didn't know you were meant to keep them alive

A SHROPSHIRE cattery has apologised to customers for not realising they wanted their cats back still breathing.

UK to introduce 'drink banks'

CHURCH halls and community centres are to offer emergency alcohol supplies to those unable to afford it themselves.

Atheists are delusional, says Conservative Party’s chief Satanist

THE Conservative Party’s Grand Satanic Ambassador has assured atheists that they are totally wrong.

England on fire as dragons take their revenge

TOWNS and villages across England are ablaze after giant dragons chose St George’s Day to avenge their murdered comrade.

Weather ruins bank holiday traffic jams

BRITAIN’S traditional Easter traffic jams have been blighted by heavy rain for the third successive year.

Women now doing lots of pointless bloke crap

WOMEN are increasingly taking responsibility for the crap activities traditionally done by men.

Britain’s ‘values’ based on Star Wars, Breakfast Club and The Godfather

THE ‘moral values’ of most people in Britain are based on classic films from the 1970s and 80s, it has been confirmed.

Britain ravaged by annual Creme Egg riots

BRITAIN was a blood-soaked hellhole yesterday as the nation fought to the death over Creme Eggs.