Kensington Council holds emergency wine and cheese reception

KENSINGTON and Chelsea council has called an urgent top-level meeting involving some chilled Chardonnay.

Arsehole neighbours having lovely time in garden

THE arseholes next door have been having an absolute bloody riot in their garden again, it has been confirmed.

Man quits job to give guided tours of his tattoos

A TATTOOED man has found the world so fascinated with his various tattoos that he is to make a living running tours of them.

Father’s Day not as important because dads didn't push a human through a relatively small hole

THE average Father’s Day spend is 44 per cent less than Mother’s Day because dads did not suffer between 12 and 72 hours of agony, experts have confirmed.

Girlfriends announce plan to have some of your chips

THE nation’s girlfriends have announced that they do not want any chips, but they will have some of yours.

Atheist who blocked friend’s toilet resorts to prayer

A COMMITTED atheist who has blocked his friend’s toilet has called upon the mercy of the Lord, he has admitted.

Massive dickhead weirdly successful with women

A GROUP of office workers is genuinely puzzled by the relationship success of a complete dickwad they work with, it has emerged. 

Woman likes everyone except other women

AN EASYGOING woman has confirmed she likes everyone except other women of roughly the same age.