Society

Britain’s only observer of Lent in chocolate disaster

THE only person in Britain who still does Lent is in the midst of a savage chocolate frenzy.

Christ got crucified very early this year

EASTER takes place a week before the end of March because Jesus was crucified very early this year 1,986 years ago.

Idiot parents given own schools to cause trouble in

SPECIAL schools without pupils are being set up for troublemaker parents who just want to shout at teachers, the government has announced.

Massive argument somehow fails to clear the air

A COUPLE are inexplicably still on bad terms despite having just had a massive row.

Everyone urged to wait before expressing opinion about horrible event

EVERYONE has been urged to just stop and think about what they are going to say.

Woman sacked for not liking lattes

A WOMAN has been sacked for failing to embrace coffee culture.

Last man to say ‘Northern powerhouse’ unironically dies

THE only man who still believed that government initiatives would turn Barnsley into Europe’s answer to Palo Alto has died.

Everyone on bus writing status updates about each other

EVERYONE on the bus into work today was writing a status update or tweet about another passenger, it has emerged.