Society

Special Brew drinker's life temporarily better than yours

A HOMELESS man drinking high-strength lager in a park is going to enjoy today more than you.

Men consider emotional investment in things other than sport

MEN are considering whether to start having emotions about things that are not sport.

Barbecue size is biggest cause of male anxiety

MEN are increasingly worried that their barbecue is smaller than average, it has emerged.

People without passports interned in Britain

ANYONE without a valid passport is to be confined in a vast internment camp the size and shape of the United Kingdom.

Everyone must like everything

PEOPLE who don't like everything must have something wrong with them, it has been confirmed.

Becoming friends with neighbours will ruin your life

SOCIAL contact with neighbours must be avoided at all costs, experts have warned.

Everyone learning Spanish actually just looking for a relationship

BRITONS taking Spanish lessons are just doing it to meet someone nice, it has been confirmed.

Speedy boarding named most feeble attempt at one-upmanship

PAYING to get on a budget flight slightly before others is the weakest possible attempt to show off, it has been confirmed.