Society

Coffee table books show exactly the kind of people couple pretend to be

AN ASSORTMENT of large, shiny books has given guests a perfect insight into their hosts' fictional lifestyle.

Quick drink after work now means seven

GOING for 'a drink' after work means going for seven drinks, it has been confirmed.

Polo shirt wearers slammed for lack of effort

POLO shirts are not acceptable at smart occasions, lazy bastards have been told.

Five-year-olds told fun is over for next 60 years 

CHILDREN have begun six decades of doing things they do not want to do.

‘Tech-savvy’ children shit at adult things

DESPITE being good at using technology, children are useless at adult pursuits like pub brawls or running a small business.

Johnson to press ahead with island for people called Boris

BORIS Johnson is to create an island sanctuary for people called Boris.

Pavements face gridlock

HUGE baby buggies, heavier people and kids on scooters threaten the UK with pedestrian gridlock by 2015.

Graduates doing low-paid jobs in a moody way

UNIVERSITY graduates trapped in low-paid jobs have resolved to do them in a grudging, sour-faced manner.